Aurora.
Vi ses på andra sidan natten.
until you crossed the line of grace.
pearl.
I still have a flame gun For the cute cute cute ones.
2. Jag älskar att få premiärbiljetter.
3. Kan tydligen gå förbi numera, bara gå förbi.
4. Jag älskar mig för det.
5. Sara är sjukt bra.
6. The storm is coming.
king rides by.
This is not mine but has to do with me.
--
och en konstig dragning, en riktigt konstig en.
--
men först, opera.
9992.
oh, Sarah,
pjäs med ett liv som skulle vara som det här, jag vill göra det här.
Jag läser Törst/Crave en gång på svenska läser om, Crave/Törst direkt på engelska och tänker oh god, oh my god, Sarah
fuck.
the world.
empire of the sun.
Att jag alltid trott att det behövs vatten och blod för mig att grundas. Men allting är precis här, precis just nu och jag såg igenom och tillbaks och jag är med den nu. Jag är med den nu.
new world in my view.
Jag ger upp.
Nej. Uppdatering. Det har inte den precisa mening jag är ute efter, inte på svenska. Vad jag menar att säga är: I surrender. Till världen. Det är gjort. Nu.
11.
I don't finish reading Cleansed. In Berlin, I learn mindfulness and in that club and later in the outsidebar I think that this, right here and now, is heaven and then the change comes and I change. I let it change me. I know what I will do. I see it clear now.
10.
I lie on a red beanbagkindof on the grass. I drink vodkaredbull. I drink beer and smoke cigarettes. I make plans. Joanna does. " You do not have to tell them", she says and makes me smile. The sun burns my pale skin. I let it. Sometimes I look up at the sky. Sometimes I fall asleep. I want to be here with M. I want to be here with Astrid. All these lovely girls. It's time to find some men. I listen to the music and it's electro in my heart and it's Berlin, I love you.
I stay for eight hours, from 7 am to 3 pm, then Victor wants to leave. I go with him only because I have no cash left and can't pay with my card.
9.
8.
I dance and I dance and I dance. I think of Daniel but it is different. I think of him in the same ways I think of all the plays I have not written. Here, I could dance forever. I'd stay until the very end. Dance and drop dead. Die happy. I dance and I dance and I dance. I think of Daniel and stare at girls breasts. I will find the most beautiful person in the city I live in and I will move to Berlin with him/her/it.
7.
In Berghain, I orgasm on the dance floor. It's because of the music. I buy a beer from the most beautiful bartender I have ever seen. I am pure joy. I'm liquid sexuality. What I feel on the dance floor. If I could bring that with me. I look at a girl who looks a little like the girl that Daniel probably fucked this night. This one is gorgeous though. I look at her and hurt and look away. A moment later, someone taps me on the shoulder. "Do you speak english", the girl says. "Yes", I say and I smile. " I wanted to tell you", she says, "that you are so beautiful." I tell her thank you. I tell her she is too. She laughs. She says she isn't. She leaves. She walks away.
6.
5.
The third night in Berlin, I go to a party. I start talking with two guys who stay in the same apartment, we go and eat and we walk the wrong way and it takes forever but the food is so good it is worth it and the party is supposed to be close but it takes forever and when I get there I want that apartment. The third night in Berlin, I master the reflex that tells me to hide the beer bottle I drink on the street. This night, I want again to walk these streets with Daniel but I know that if we ever get together again it has to be later because things that have to happen for that to be possible haven't yet.
4.
There is broken glass on the balcony. Someone dropped a bear bottle; I don't know that and step out there barefoot in the middle of the night. In the morning, I see the glass and it is everywhere, I must have stepped on it. I do not bleed. Today, I am going to apply killer make up. I am going to se Holocaust memorial. Yesterday, sitting on the square at Alexanderplatz, after saying no to being an extra in a movie (was saturday evening, would have said yes, not porn, would have said yes), I know I have to move here. The bed I sleep in is rock and stones and I hurt everywhere but the constant stress that I feel in Stockholm is gone here because this city doesn't allow it although I really need a massage or five hundred massages. The atmosphere here is my home.
3.
The dreams in Berlin are different. They're like movies, but when I wake up I can't remember. I snap at Victor because he asks me questions about this place that I do not know the answer to and does it constantly. I just miss Daniel. I am mad at Victor because he came here without a phone. It makes me feel trapped. I want to go home because I am not here with Daniel and I want to never go back, to stay here always. The men here are beautiful. I rarely see someone good-looking in Stockholm but here they are everywhere and I want to stay and live with a beautiful man who loves me and treats me lovely.
